Hillary Clinton: “We’ve Got To Reign In Shovels” (Satire)

Recent statistics indicate a concerning spike in deaths by shovel, leading Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton to publicly endorse a ban on dangerous assault shovels.

If you think shovels are inanimate objects used for digging, lifting, and moving bulk materials, you’re being naive.  They kill.  They murder.  They personify evil.  Shovels are responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans in our country.  The time for talk is over, it’s time to put a stop to shovel violence and outlaw assault shovels from the marketplace.

According to Hillary Clinton, its time to reign in on shovels and put an end to the madness: “We’ve got to rein in what has become almost an article of faith that anybody can have a shovel anywhere anytime,” she said during a recent Q&A, “we really have got to get our arms around it because at the rate we are going, we are going to have so many people with shovels everywhere fully licensed, fully validated… it would be a bad idea to let people go to bars with shovels, let them go to schools with shovels, let them go to church with shovels.”

Some believe negotiating weapons deals in exchange for financial gain makes Hillary’s recent lecture on shovel control quite hypocritical, such people obviously don’t know what they’re talking about.

The time for action is now.  Are we going to let shovels continue to kill our kids?  Think of the 9/11 victims!

Oops, sorry, wrong issue.

Even with lower crime rates in pro-shovel states, we must shield ourselves from all common sense.  We must shield ourselves from right-wing propaganda aimed at pushing senseless violence!  Shovels kill!  They even cause heart attacks!  Banning these weapons would drastically reduce murder rates in America.  Forget about Monsanto and the supposed “rise in cancer rates” reported by “scientists”, THIS is the real problem that we cannot ignore.

While we’re at it, I suggest we ban axes, lawn mowers, cars, aircraft, boats, high-rise buildings, base jumping, forks, knives, spoons, water, swords, garbage compactors, ropes, trucks, fire, barbecues, scissors, iron rods, tables, glass, concrete, anvils, fireworks, tsunamis, asteroids, dogs, beds, ladders, bicycles, bath tubs, staircases, vending machines, and birthday parties.

These “inanimate” objects have killed thousands in our country for long enough.  Join the #ShovelControl movement, or you’re racist.

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About the Author

Benjamin Knight
Benjamin Knight, the founder of We the Vigilant and host of The Maverick Podcast, was born in Engelwood, New Jersey. He is a Bible believing Christian, a right-wing Libertarian and a nationalist who is dedicated to fighting back against cultural Marxism and globalism. In his free time, Knight enjoys triggering leftists, shooting guns and being an American.